You know that whole thing about Boston drivers being mean? I can definitely fit that bill now and then. I’ve been one to throw my hands in the air (the universal sign for “seriously, what the FUCK”) at another driver and use my horn to punctuate that sentiment. I’ve been known to pull out and block a line of cars in order to make a left. I’ve flipped someone off for flipping ME off for cutting THEM off. And ohmygodIknow it’s childish. When else during the day would you be so irrational? It’s the equivalent of someone cutting you in line at drugstore and instead of saying “Oh, excuse me, I think I was next,” you PUNCH THEM. I don’t know what it is, but driving can bring out a kind of regional bipolar disorder.
Having said all that, I think I’ve now taken it to the next level.
So the other night I was meeting a couple friends for dinner and drinks in the next town. There’s a particular parking lot that I always try to get a spot in because it’s right next to the bars, and I don’t like anything standing between me and my chardonnay whiskey. But apparently a bunch of other Tuesday night alchies had the same idea because when I got there the lot was packed. But I was still motivated to prowl around and somehow find a way to stake out some prime real estate.
I thought I’d found a spot when I realized another car had already claimed it. As he pulled in, I noticed his Virginia license plate. Hmmm, a Southerner. They’re supposed to be nice, right? Suddenly I found an evil, evil plot forming in my head. I may have even twisted the edges of my mustache.
The driver glanced back at me, and I pointed to the space that he had just pulled into and mouthed, “That’s my spot.” I’m sure he assumed it was because I lived in the apartment building that also shares that parking lot, and I didn’t clarify. He immediately mouthed that he was sorry and pulled out. We waved at each other, he drove away, and I pulled in. I got someone to leave a coveted parking space so I could have it. But at what cost to my SOUL, people?
There’s signs all over the highway about how state troopers are keeping an eye out for aggressive drivers. They should probably also be on the lookout for those who engage in ruthless psychological warfare. I told the story to my custodian buddy at work (with whom I soldified a friendship back when, after having known each other for a few weeks and asking him if I kept my room cleaner than others, he told me I was “neat but controversial”). He said, “I bet you slept well.”
So, yeah, bottom line, I know I was wrong, Virginia. I humbly apologize to you for that, and, you know, hope this isn’t the spark that ignites the next Civil War or, um, whatever. No hard feelings?
I’m from CT, and we used to call people like you Mass-holes!
I still cannot believe you did this. Was it mean? Yeah, maybe. Was it evil? Eh, that’s going a bit far. The important question, though: was it funny? I think we all know the answer to that: OHMYGOODNESSTHATWASTHEFUNNIESTFREAKINGTHINGEVER!
That’s awesome. I’m just wish I had come up with that kind of plan first. But that would never work in NY. People just wouldn’t give a shit if it were your spot.
That’s OK, when you northern folk drive down through Virginia, our state troopers just wait to pull you over.
Commence evil laughter!
I am from the Midwest, but I think if you had tried that on me, I would have flipped you off.
The rest of the world just thinks Americans like being horrible to them because they’re not American, but this post proves, you treat each other as badly and with as little respect!
The question I have though, is this. Did you post this because on some subliminal level you are actually proud enough about having done this to want to actually brag about it? I would guess you’re a Roman Catholic though, because you know about “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” but only remember to be repentant after committing the foul and selfish act in the hope that saying sorry now will allow you to get away with it again next time. Any Catholic knows that you can do what you like in life so long as the priest finds out about it!
Of course, if you got there first, of course it was your spot!
I really despise the blocking of a bunch of cars to make a left. That would make me throw my hands in the air and pound my horn button through the back of the steering wheel.
That said, had I been around to witness the parking lot episode, I would have bought you the first round of chardo… err… whiskey. Excellent work!
I should have known by now that you were some kind of evil genius, but this one clinches it, Red.
P.S. What did he mean by “neat but controversial”?
P.P.S. What’s up with Fifthdecade??
Mary, I know, I think I wear that title well now. Also, CT is pretty. I realize that made me sound kind of, well, special, but IT IS, damn it.
Mclovin, that’s right, you sexy hamburger.
Dutchess, I would’ve dropped dead on the spot if that had ever worked in NY.
Abbersnail, do they? Well, they have one more reason to now.
-R-, And I’m sure I would’ve flipped you off in return. But I’d secretly know you were right.
Fifthdecade, I wouldn’t say that I was proud of my behavior on a subliminal (did you mean subconscious?) level; I thought I was pretty balls out with my pride. As for the rest of your thoughts, I’m guessing that your sense of humor is sold separately, yes? Thanks for your comment anyway. See you at church!
Steve, I know, it’s so rude! But thanks for the hooch.
Stefanie, re: your first P.S., it was just out of left field and so oddly funny that I enjoyed it. And re: your P.P.S., uh, right?
You’re my hero. I hope someone gave you free drinks to celebrate your awesomeness that night.