What I want to write:
Happy birthday to the guy who took a great picture of my friend and I at a bar that one time with your camera, so a Facebook friendship was the only way to acquire said picture. Remember how you misheard my name and kept calling me Megan? Which doesn’t rhyme or even have the same first letter as my name? You seemed nice.
What a decent person would write:
Happy birthday!
What I want to write:
Hey, happy birthday! I think I’ll celebrate by being mean to a waitress, dragging your boyfriend into a ladies room, and yelling at your friends, and then posting all the pictures tomorrow morning like it was a totally normal night. You know, CAUSE THAT’S HOW YOU CELEBRATED MINE.
What a decent person would write:
Happy birthday!
What I want to write:
It was nice meeting you while rocking out to a 90s tribute band, especially when we did that impromptu interpretive dance to She’s Like the Wind, and then you yelled ARE YOU ON FACEBOOK and I handed you my phone so you could add yourself at which point you could’ve totally run out the door with my phone so thanks for not doing that.
What a decent person would write:
It was nice meeting you too!
What I want to write:
Thanks for the friend request. Do I know you? I couldn’t help but notice that your interests include metal, smoking weed alot, and I have a girlfriend. It’s like…it’s like YOU CAN SEE INTO MY SOUL.
What a decent person would write:
["Ignore"]
What I want to write:
Yes, I meant to delete you. You’re my ex-roommate’s ex-girlfriend, you’re 20 years old, and you update incessantly and giddily about how you’re SO GOING TO MARRY your new boyfriend. How could I have known I’d then randomly run into you at a baseball game in Seattle?!? I’m never deleting anyone EVER AGAIN.
What a decent person would write:
I know, funny seeing you in Seattle. Small world!
What I want to write:
Are you fucking serious that you’re having a baby shower for your fifth child? How many bjorns can a girl have?
What a decent person would write:
Are. You. Fucking. SERIOUS.
YOU ARE AWESOME!!! hilarious. I love it.
Well said. I am totally addicted to facebook. In the way that one is addicted to an illicit drug… it feels so good while you are doing it, but the entire rest of the day you wonder “WHY DID I JUST WASTE PRECIOUS TIME ON THAT? I don’t even care that much! Who are these people? How did I get here???” Until I can’t stand it any longer and check again!!!!!!!!
You ran into your ex-roommate’s ex-girlfriend in Seattle?! That is so weird.
So I’m organizing my favorites and run across the link to your blog and click to see if your hilarious self has posted anything since, I don’t know, hell froze over, and OH MY GOD A NEW POST!!! Yay! Been far too long.
Miss Cupcake, thanks! Jennifer, I know…though I mostly find it pretty harmless, sometimes people amaze me. Courtney, YES. I KNOW. Kristen, thank you! I’m trying to get back into it…must write more.