jungle boogie

“Lost” is losing me, pun intended. Let’s start with the beeping box in the hatch and how they decided that they had to hit the button every hour and a half or else the world would blow up, without any real proof except for the testimonial of a hysterical Irish guy. How about you leave the crazy underground apartment and worry about actual problems like food and water and maybe put the magic world-saving button on the back burner for now?

The someone’s-gonna-DIE episode was a frantic race to make Shannon relevant so that we’d care when Scowly McMeanington shot her. And as in real life, the best way to establish your identity is to have sex with a guy in a tank top. And then suddenly they were in love and making plans for being together off the island, like they’re at summer camp: “So, do you think we’ll keep in touch after we go home?” Um, you guys have plenty of time together, considering you’re GOING TO DIE THERE. And then Shannon counters with, “You’re just going to leave me, like every guy does after we get in a plane crash and land on an island full of cannibals.” But Tank Top gets all DiCaprio-on-the-iceberg about it: “I will NEVER leave you.” Didn’t they just meet? I guess anyone starts to look good after you’ve been drinking sand for awhile.

The acting career of the guy who plays Walt’s dad has been distilled to one line that he yells whenever there’s more than half second of silence: “They took my son!” Sometimes he tries emphasizing different words to keep it fresh, but he’s even starting to sound apathetic about it now.

And they found the elusive Others, but now it turns out those Others are scared of other Others. And they were all apparently on the plane together. Would this ever happen after an actual plane crash? I’m sorry, but look around next time you’re flying Delta: No one on that flight is equipped to deal with life without their carry-on, much less form tribes and immediately become hardass jungle folk. Which leads me to think that were I in this situation, I would probably be worthy of induction into the hardcore Others group, except for the walking around barefoot part, because ow. We’re walking on twigs and snakes here, people. They might need me for my footwear suggestions alone.

Most disconcerting is that JJ Abrams apparently only claims Alias as his other big success. I, however, remember him when. Actually, maybe he could reincarnate Felicity and help out our new friends. She could arrive on the island and say “oh…hey” to everyone and then talk about how weird and displaced and uncomfortable it feels being away from home but that she knows it’s really important to grow from this and that ultimately it will make her a stronger person. Cue a Savage Garden song, and they could all hug in slow motion.

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