candy hearts

Let’s have a look into the highlights of my stash and see what the kids are giving for valentines these days, shall we?

Puns are still big. There’s a lion telling you You’re a Top Cat. A basketball player thinks You’re a Slam Dunk. Newsflash: Little Kids Still Like Craptastic Humor! (One of my favorite Onion headlines was Study Shows Babies Are Dumb.)

I received one with a cartoon girl that I can only assume is a prostitute. She looks like Barbie’s ho bag cousin. “Have a stylin’ Valentine’s Day!”

Another prostitute, with slightly less make-up and sans fuck me heels, which is nice considering she’s probably supposed to be under ten years old. “Show your style, Valentine.”

Hot Wheels! You know this kid forgot about his valentine cards until last night and his dad had some of these leftover from 1985. “Start revvin’ your engine–it’s Valentine’s Day!” I love how even at five years old, boys are Such Boys.

“Love the Nerd You’re With” with a box of nerds. Junior high is gonna be tough for this kid.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Who would’ve thought they had staying power? “It’s so easy being green on Valentine’s Day.” Yeah, not catchy. But I still remember the idiotic “heroes on a halfshell… turtle power!” so I guess they can get away with anything.

The female Incredible with long, rubbery fingers. “If it’s not much of a stretch, will you be my Valentine?” But I’m thinking this girl’s sentiment isn’t exactly genuine, since she put her name in both the to and from slot.

One of them gave me a Wonka cherry-yum-diddly fun dip. What?

So, that’s what Valentine’s Day is looking like from the kindergarten front these days. Idolizing whores, dredging up the worst cartoon icons from twenty years ago, and giving out candy that sounds like it needs an NC-17 rating. Sounds about right.

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