it’s a little warm here on the back burner

Mark: I have to cancel our plans for Sunday. I made plans with That Girl I Met Online.
Me: What?
Mark: Yeah. Sorry.
Me: What!
Mark: She’s having an Oscar party.
Me: You’re ditching me for a GIRL?
Mark: I’m going out with her beforehand to see if I want to go to her party.
Me: So she’s pre-screening you?
Mark: I’m pre-screening her.
Me: You’re a terrible person.
Mark: For pre-screening her?
Me: No, for blatantly ditching me.
Mark: I’m sorry.
Me: But we were going to have sushi [at my favorite sushi place which is in an obscure part of his neighborhood that I never get out to]!
Mark: I know. I’m not even sure I’m going to like her.
Me: You’re ditching me for a girl that YOU’RE NOT EVEN SURE YOU LIKE!
Mark: Well, I MIGHT like her.
Me: I have never felt more special.
Mark: I’m sorry, Red. I still love you. You’re still my best friend.
Me: I don’t care about your friendship. I care about sushi.
Mark: We’ll do it soon.
Me: You better marry her, is all I can say.
Mark: Yeah, I don’t know about that.
Me: You better marry her, and then when I meet her, I can be like, “Oh, hello. I was going to have the spicy scallop maki that is like CRACK to me, but instead I gave you a husband.” That’s the only way this will be okay. And even then, it’s a stretch.
Mark: Well, if we do get married, you can be the best woman. Groomsmaid?
Me: Goodbye. I loathe you.

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