In the Stars

The company that my dad works for rents out Borders Books for one night every November. It’s mostly a kid-oriented thing: face-painting, magician, balloons and whatnot. Everything in the store is also heavily discounted, so hello Christmas shopping. We go every year.

This year there was an astrologer. He was sitting in the metaphysical studies section! With a laptop! And looking like he could’ve done my taxes! Seriously, the guy was completely normal looking. I was expecting a woman in a crazy dress, long gray hair with a bird’s nest, potions and spells and goblins.

So my new friend used his understanding of celestial rhythms and an iBook to read the sky on the day that I was born. He told me that I’m a very detail-oriented person who thinks that my way is the right way, and that I have strong opinions about how things should be run, particularly in the home. He also told me that when I’m at work, I actually do work. It’s uncanny: I was just complaining about the “having to do crap” aspect of my job.

He asked if I was married. “Can’t you tell?”

He didn’t appreciate this. He’s not a psychic. Apparently there’s a difference.

He pointed out that I have a very strong indicator for marriage. “Oh. Is he tall?” He couldn’t tell me this. Moreover, I’ve missed the point. God, Red. Respect the cosmos.

“Pluto is indicating a very powerful relationship on your horizon.” Apparently “on the horizon” literally means in the sky, not arriving shortly at my door with flowers and little to no emotional scarring. “This relationship will be with a very intense person and will affect you profoundly.”

“Intense? He’s also laid-back though, right?”

At that point an old woman in line was laughing at me. Whatever, lady, I think you can wait to learn about your imminent death.

Next he told me that when I have fun, I have FUN. Then he spelled fun. I now plan to blame my Tuesday morning hangovers on the planets. I can’t control the whims of the solar system, people!


8 Responses to “In the Stars”

  1. 1 kate November 6, 2006 at 11:17 pm

    Maybe he didn’t say “intense,” maybe it was “intent (on becoming a woman).” Are you sure you heard properly?

  2. 2 Margaret November 7, 2006 at 9:54 am

    “little to no emotional scarring”? are you looking for a relationship with a teenager?

  3. 3 Killer November 7, 2006 at 9:59 am

    How can Pluto effect your life now, it is no longer a planet.
    I bet you can buy a program for your ibook that would make you an astrologer. Then you could look at the stars everyday and decide if you should leave the house or not.
    Just call work, “Jupiter is way off kilter from Uranus. I can’t come in today.”

  4. 4 Darren McLikeshimself November 7, 2006 at 10:19 am

    “Apparently ‘on the horizon’ literally means in the sky, not arriving shortly at my door with flowers and little to no emotional scarring. ‘This relationship will be with a very intense person and will affect you profoundly’.”

    So you’re going to meet a high strung guy on an airplane?

  5. 5 guinness girl November 7, 2006 at 11:05 am

    Ha. this reminds me of the time I called a phone psychic and was told I would meet a tall, dark, handsome, carpenter. I went, “Uh…carpenter? Really?” and the phone psychic said, “Oh, did I say carpenter? I meant ARCHITECT.” Ha.

  6. 6 Miss Peach November 7, 2006 at 11:09 am

    Oh, funny. Killer, agreed, I was JUST saying I am now even more skeptical of astrology given that I think the whole system is screwed if Pluto is no longer a planet. Shouldn’t some news outlet do a story on how the astrology community is reeling from these revelations? Anyone? Hello?

  7. 7 Red November 7, 2006 at 6:08 pm

    Kate, good call. Next time I’ll listen more carefully.

    Margaret, sarcasm: use it, love it, live it.

    Killer, I know, right? I guess the fact that it existed on the day I was born, and hadn’t yet been shot down by enemy scientists, was enough for that guy.

    Darren, yes, exactly. Next time I’m on a Delta flight and someone throws a fit, woohoo, that’s my guy!

    GG, ha! Instant upgrade.

    Peach, good call. We’re clearly screwed. Not to mention that Mickey’s puppy friend is probably feeling a bit devalidated.

  8. 8 don't call me MA'AM November 8, 2006 at 3:05 pm

    I’m still confused as to why the astrologer was there for a kid-oriented thing. Are there lots of 8 year olds worrying that the planets aren’t aligning in their favor? 😉

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