5 Things About Christmas That Are Supposed to be Touching But Pretty Much Just Make Me Want to Lay Down and Die

When Frosty melts. What’s the lesson here? That someday everyone we love will die so we might as well enjoy them while we can? Fine, I guess that’s an okay lesson. But I still can’t hear “Frosty the Snowman knew the sun was hot that day…” without being overwhelmed with dread. My mom claims that when I was little I would become hysterical following Frosty’s demise. What a treat I must have been.

When Hermey and Rudolph have to run away together because no one at home can deal with their socially unacceptable nose/fact that they want to be a dentist. Like there’s anything wrong with rhinoplasty/dental school? And then the poor bastards end up on the Island of Misfit Toys, which is sort of like claymation’s homage to New Jersey, with nary a licensed plastic surgeon or bubble gum-flavored fluoride treatment.

Two words: Christmas Shoes. I’ll be experiencing a massive personal trauma like a long line at Bloomingdale’s or the effort of avoiding the forlorn gaze of the Salvation Army bell ringer, and then I hear this song, and I suddenly want to cuddle with a homeless person and cut up my Mastercard. Kind of.

A Very Brady Christmas. Have you seen this? It’s so great. And it ends with (SPOILER ALERT) Mike getting trapped in one of his buildings as it’s collapsing. Personally, I’d rather see the incompetent architect go down with his own crappily built ship rather than an innocent office manager who just works in the damn place. But no worries, Carol sings O Come All Ye Faithful, and Mike is able to toss aside the ninety ton cement slabs than he’s pinned beneath. In an emergency situation, it can be tough to decide between calling 911 or Christmas caroling, but thankfully she made the right call. (Miraculously, Carol’s singing not only helped Mike emerge unscathed, but Kitty Carryall was also plucked from the rubble, Cindy spontaneously lost her lisp, and Jan suddenly felt okay just being Jan.)

Charlie Brown and his bag of woes. How old is he, like eight? Why is life so difficult? Where the hell are their parents? Charlie just wants to have fun, his friends all mock him, and he incessantly wonders what it’s all about. Shut up, I see absolutely no similarities.

19 Responses to “5 Things About Christmas That Are Supposed to be Touching But Pretty Much Just Make Me Want to Lay Down and Die”

  1. 1 Anonymous November 28, 2006 at 9:15 pm

    Two things:
    It should be mentioned that in A Very Brady Christmas, Cindy was played by Charles (in Charge)’s love interest, Gwendolyn Pierce.

    Is it me, or is your title short one word?

  2. 2 don't call me MA'AM November 28, 2006 at 9:29 pm

    I always thought “Frosty” was for sadists. What a horrible story to show to children.

    But I do have a soft spot in my heart for the Island of Misfit Toys!

    We’re on the Island of Misfit Toys, here we don’t want to stay. We want to travel with Santa Claus, in his magic sleigh!

  3. 3 Libragirl November 28, 2006 at 10:20 pm

    Why you trashing Jersey. Ok Northern Jersey is trashable….but Southern Jersey, by Philly….totally not trashable.

    Why was the doll on the Island of Misfit Toys? Why didn’t Charlie in the box just change his name to Jack.
    Why didn’t the train with square wheels go to the nearest tire place and get round tires? These things keep me up at night. Ok not really, but they do make for heavy discussion between me, J and our old supervisor.

  4. 4 Darren McLikeshimself November 29, 2006 at 9:42 am

    I’m at a loss for words. Just promise me that when the book deal comes (and it will come) that you include this one in the collection.

  5. 5 stefanie November 29, 2006 at 9:56 am

    I’m with Darren.

    “Clamation’s homage to New Jersey”? Priceless.

  6. 6 Married Jen/Single Jen November 29, 2006 at 9:56 am

    GREAT post.

    I have one to add.

    Mommy kissing Santa Claus!

    Shouldn’t the kid be more worried that his or her mother is having an adulterous affair instead of commenting “What a laugh it would have been, if Daddy had only seen…” ???

    Anyway, that song has always bothered me.

  7. 7 Greg November 29, 2006 at 11:48 am

    Yeah, a great list indeed.

    Thanks for making me want to die, Red!!

  8. 8 lizgwiz November 29, 2006 at 1:17 pm

    For me it’s an old Nat King Cole song called “The Little Boy That Santa Claus Forgot.” It made me cry as a child.

    It starts with “He’s the little boy that Santa Claus forgot. And goodness knows he didn’t want a lot.” And ends with “I’m so sorry for that laddie….he hasn’t got a daddy….” All sung in that lush Nat King Cole voice.

    Who wrote that song, for pete’s sake? And I LOVE A Very Brady Christmas. Sing, Carol, sing!

  9. 9 dave November 29, 2006 at 1:23 pm

    I think a lot of Charlie Brown’s problems stems from the fact that he’s 8 and totally bald. Clay Rudolph!

  10. 10 othur-me November 29, 2006 at 3:23 pm

    Married Jen/Single Jen – maybe it was written by a child who was used to seeing BOTH Mommy and Daddy kissing “Aunt” Darlene on the lips every other holdiday of the year over after dinner drinks and right before all three of them tucked him in before dissappearing into Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom where much laughter would be heard as he fell asleep. A peck on Santa’s lips might not be that disturbing after that.

  11. 11 kate November 29, 2006 at 6:08 pm

    You’ve outdone yourself here Red. Can I add the movie “Jack Frost” to the list? It’s a recent classic. The father dies at the beginning of the movie and comes back as a…wait for it…snow man. I haven’t actually seen it, but according to my math there are only two ways it can go. Either the kid stores dad in the freezer forever, or there’s a heartbreaking springtime scene where dad melts.

  12. 12 LC November 29, 2006 at 7:41 pm

    I never liked Charlie Brown. Especially as a child. He used to bore me to death.

  13. 13 Anonymous November 29, 2006 at 11:10 pm

    All five were so on point, but a special thanks for reminding me about A Very Brady Christmas; if memory serves, and I think it does, I do believe you can actually SEE the that the collapsed “wall” is corrugated cardboard. Rock on, Red!

  14. 14 Red December 1, 2006 at 1:07 am

    Keith, thanks for the trivia and catching the typo (or missing word, whatever the problem was).

    DCMM, nobody wants a Charlie in the box…

    Libragirl, the train couldn’t rectify his situation because he was on an island, that’s why he needed Santa to come pick him up. Clearly I’ve given this some thought.

    Darren, thanks! Will you publicize it?

    Stefanie, thanks!

    Married Jen/Single Jen & Othur-me, you know what’s funny is that I was JUST listening to that song and I found myself thinking that maybe the whole joke is that it was the kid’s dad dressed as Santa. You think? All this time I’ve gone under the assumption that mommy’s a dirty whore.

    Greg, thanks, and you’re welcome, I think!

    Liz, holy crap, that’s brutal. Couldn’t Santa have sponsored him for 10 cents a day or something?

    Dave, I can’t WAIT for Clay Rudolph. She thinks I’m cute!

    Kate, we’re renting that.

    LC, I know. Poor Charles.

    Metaliag, OK, I’m watching it again just because of that fun fact. Whee!

  15. 15 Miss Peach December 1, 2006 at 5:05 pm

    You are KILLING me here. I’m with Darren. I’ll help with the publicizing too.

    I don’t know of the Christmas Shoes song.

  16. 16 Armen December 2, 2006 at 5:49 pm

    As Christmas is coming close many people and families are looking for Shirstmas sheet music. Do you do caroling and singing at home? There is very interesting article appearing at today’s HULIQ at http://www.huliq.com/351/finding-free-christmas-sheet-music-and-carols-is-not-that-hard on how to find christmas sheet music and songs for family gathering Caroling.

  17. 17 amusing December 3, 2006 at 10:55 pm

    Kids’ songs that made us cry — add the Unicorn Song where they all get washed away in the flood because they were playing and didn’t come in when Noah called, and the one about the boy who’s friends with the dragon, but he grows up and the dragon goes into his cave to die, or wait, or something.

    Ah. Childhood. Good times. Good times.

  18. 18 Anonymous December 8, 2006 at 3:06 am

    You’re an incredibly vacuous fuckhead. Congrats, and kudos.

  19. 19 Mr. X December 11, 2006 at 10:50 pm

    There are only two problems with Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer:

    1) Who the hell makes a train with square wheels in the first place?

    2) There’s only one reason why someone yanks all the teeth out of a healthy adult, and it’s not to make them helpless–the Bumble could just squash them all flat with his mighty fist. I think we all know what that reason is.

    I have my own list of Evil Xmas Stuff:

    “Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire”: All the chestnuts died off decades ago, and the damn song takes forever. Nat King Cole could pull this off, but he was Nat King Motherfucking Cole, and the song should have been buried with him.

    “The Little Drummer Boy”: Also takes forever. We had to sing this stupid song every Christmas, and by the third pa-rum-pum-pum-oh-fuck-it, I was ready to cut the stupid kid’s hands off and nail them to his forehead. And, to top things off, when they made the inevitable claymation special, you find out that the brat can’t even play the drums for shit. Hey, Baby Jesus, if you like the drums so much, resurrect Keith Moon and John Bonham. And send Ringo to hell.

    “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer”: Wasn’t funny the very first time.

    The nameless asshole who puts a gold piece in some Salvation Army bucket every year: The hungry and homeless of America thank you for ignoring them the other 364 days, and then making your Big Charity Statement with an untraceable, easily-pocketed token. Oh, what’s that? It didn’t show up this year? Darn the luck! I’ll go assuage my sorrow by going over to my friend’s house–you know, the one who volunteers as a Salvation Army bell ringer–and playing with his new Playstation 3, that he just bought off of eBay.

    Mistletoe: A handy way of finding out who would rather run out into the freezing dark rather than kiss you, and who will make you sew your lips together so that they can’t kiss you. As if you didn’t already know.

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