Wherein I Use More Synonyms for "Vagina" Than I Ever Thought Possible

Damn my expired Us Weekly subscription; I’m so out of the celebrity gossip loop. But I’m happy to find that it’s reached terrifying new heights. It appears that in my absence, labia flashing has become a trend. It’s not enough that these twenty-something starlets are all drunk and coked up every night, now they’re showing off their goods like a new handbag. I mean, what the hell? Is vulva the new black?

When I heard that Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and Paris Hilton’s favorite new accessories were their vajayjays, I was all like, nuh-uh, did their skirts just ride up a little or something? But people, these pictures are unbelievable! There’s one here and another one here… and oh yeah, here’s one more! Those are the edited ones, but you can Google Image your way to the real McCoys, as you’d better believe I did. (In fact, not unlike a 14-year-old boy, I said, “Awww, come on!” when the first ones that I found had strategically placed blurs.)

Seriously, WHAT’S GOING ON? You cannot honestly make a mistake like that. You would have to be novacained from the waist down to not feel a gentle breeze long before some paparazzi has a chance to catch your business on film.

What’s next, reverse cowgirl with one of the wise men in the middle of a Catholic school nativity scene? Can I get an amen?

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20 Responses to “Wherein I Use More Synonyms for "Vagina" Than I Ever Thought Possible”


  1. 1 Anonymous December 4, 2006 at 10:22 pm

    You’d think a guy might enjoy a trend such as this, but seriously… foul.

    Am I the only one wondering when Tara Reid’s cooter will make an appearance? And once it does, can we call them the ‘Four Whores of the Apocalypse’?

  2. 2 d December 4, 2006 at 11:40 pm

    It could be worse..next would could see hasselhoffs hang low..be grateful..

  3. 3 Melissa December 5, 2006 at 8:02 am

    D – ha! Also, ew.

    Red – Perez Hilton, baby. That’s the sugar.

  4. 4 Darren McLikeshimself December 5, 2006 at 10:18 am

    Synonyms not used:

    lady flower
    meat curtains
    pink taco
    bumblegum sandwich
    stench trench
    vertical smile
    hoo-hah
    bearded clam

    And those are the ones I can think of off the top of my head with only a half a cup of coffee in me. I’ll get back to you.

  5. 5 lizgwiz December 5, 2006 at 10:31 am

    I don’t get it, either. I’m gonna blame their mothers. Didn’t they ever get the lecture about ladies keeping their legs together? I personally never got a lecture about the need for wearing underwear under short skirts–I guess my mother thought that was a no brainer.

  6. 6 Jiffy December 5, 2006 at 11:00 am

    “It’s not enough that these twenty-something starlets are all drunk and coked up every night, now they’re showing off their goods like a new handbag.”

    Hahahahahaha love it Red.

  7. 7 Melissa December 5, 2006 at 11:47 am

    Two more synonyms courtesy of Dane Cook:

    1. Box of cow tongues
    2. High school play curtains

    Also, there was a great quote on Perez Hilton that Carly and I both saw:

    DAMN NICE CLAM CHOWDER IT LOOKS LIKE K-FED BEAT THAT LIKE HIS TRAILER PARK STEPSON.

  8. 8 kate December 5, 2006 at 12:57 pm

    Funny you should say they’re showing it off like a new handbag, ’cause brit-brit’s vajayjay looked leathery.

  9. 9 othur-me December 5, 2006 at 1:14 pm

    My new favorite is Otter Wallet.

  10. 10 Miss Peach December 5, 2006 at 1:52 pm

    I can’t get over this either. Clearly they don’t follow the rule my friend’s grandmother regularly told all her granddaughters–your knees should always be close enough together when sitting to hold an aspirin between.

  11. 11 Joe December 5, 2006 at 2:40 pm

    Britney is such a good role model for her kids. It’s too bad that she didn’t have any girls so that one day she could teach them to flash their downtown bonanza for the paparazzi.

  12. 12 nabbalicious December 5, 2006 at 3:53 pm

    I just look at those pictures and wonder whether she felt a breeze. I mean, come on.

    And “otter wallet”? Hahaha. EW!

  13. 13 guinness girl December 5, 2006 at 4:16 pm

    I am dying at this post and all the comments. DYING. That is all.

  14. 14 stefanie December 5, 2006 at 4:26 pm

    Call me old fashioned, but I cannot fathom a life in which I would leave the house without underwear, particularly when wearing a skirt. Have I just found the generational divide between me and the young end of the 20-somethings?

    Also, save your time with the Google searching. If you click the blurred out picture on any of those sites you linked, the full and unedited one will display. (You may have already figured this out. I just thought I’d mention it.)

    And finally, Darren? Ew. I am simultaneously impressed and disgusted by that list. You could apply for a job as a dirty thesaurus. If in fact such a job exists, of course.

  15. 15 Darren McLikeshimself December 5, 2006 at 7:55 pm

    Just for the record: I realize it’s “bubblegum sandwich,” not “bumblegum.” I don’t mind coming off pervy, but being seen as someone who can’t find his own typos is not a reputation I care to live with.

    Stefanie, (tips hat and nods graciously).

  16. 16 Anonymous December 5, 2006 at 9:15 pm

    Oh my lord; I should NOT have been drinking anything while reading the post and these comments. Poor li’l keyboard; it never even had a chance!

  17. 17 don't call me MA'AM December 7, 2006 at 12:48 am

    I personally use the term, “hooha,” but I am secretly in awe of le bon mot, “lady bits.” I try to use it in a sentence whenever I can to make my husband laugh like a little school girl.

    As in, “Good thing I’m wearing tights, because I don’t want to pull a Britney and flash my lady bits while getting out of the car today!”

  18. 18 Anonymous December 10, 2006 at 1:58 pm

    Just stopping by to let you know that you’re today’s Noteworthy Blog on Grasshopper Ramblings – I’m introducing my readers to each of my favorite blogs one at a time. http://zorak163.blogspot.com/2006/12/let-me-introduce-you-to-part-3-cupcake.html

  19. 19 Mr. X December 11, 2006 at 11:13 pm

    This celebtrend of going commando may seem inexplicable to plain old Sane-and/or-Only-Occasionally-Drunk-Americans, but when one’s fifteen minutes are down to the last few grains of proverbial sand, Shortcuts Must Be Taken. Be glad–very, very–that they bothered to put clothes on at all that morning. Seeing Brit’s C-section scar was trauma enough. As it is, I don’t think I’ll be going near the section of the supermarket that has the plucked chickens any time soon.

  20. 20 i like cheese December 12, 2006 at 9:21 pm

    Well, I guess we should be thankful that they’re keeping them neatly trimmed, at least…


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