If You Don’t Have a Plan, You’re Planning to Fail. Or Something.

Me: I accidentally dialed 911 from my office today.
Kate: Oh no! Was it the 911 button or you dialed it?
Me: No button! A purposeful dial.
Kate: What happened?
Me: I’m thinking that, 1) I dialed 9 to call out, hit the 1, thought I didn’t and then hit it again, and then the call I was trying to make didn’t go through because of the extra 1 and I hung up, or 2) it was a thinly-veiled cry for help. In any case, this is how my place of employment deals with it. Over the loudspeaker: “Would Red McRederson please call the main office?” Hello, maybe I’m bleeding.
Kate: Oh my God, what if you were there collapsed in a heap and you COULDN’T CALL THE MAIN OFFICE on account of the no-breathing?
Me: I called the receptionist and she said, “Red, are you okay?” and I said, “Yes, why?” and she said, “Because you called 911,” and I said, “No way! Well, everything’s fine.” Meanwhile that’s what I HAVE to say because the kidnapper has an AK-47 to my throat. Wait, is an AK-47 a gun or a plane?
Kate: A 747 is a plane.
Me: One time I saw this Lifetime movie where they set it up early that the mom was lactose intolerant, right? They had her son offer her some of his milk and she said, “Honey, you know mommy can’t drink milk.” So you know this is coming into play later. So then her ex-boyfriend is stalking her, and in the final scene he’s got her in the kitchen with a gun to her head and her husband calls downstairs to see if she’s okay. She says, “I’m fine, just getting a glass of milk.” Stalker thinks everything is fine, but a few minutes later, BAM! Knocked down by the husband, because he KNOWS BETTER!
Kate: Niiiiiiice. Can you imagine what it’s like to live with a person so paranoid that they actually figure out that code?
Me: My plan is that if I’m ever in that situation, I will reply that I’m getting a bowl of potatoes covered in cheese and a cup of coffee. And a banana.
Kate: And I’ll come a-runnin’ with a frying pan to do some whackin’.
Me: But you know whoever I say it to will be like, “That’s a weird craving,” and go back to sleep.
Kate: I’ll be like, ”Oh my God, Red got knocked up.”
Me: With my luck I’d be like, “That’s okay, I’m just getting a glass of [accidentally insert ex-boyfriend’s name here]” and then everyone in my house is shot to death. My movie title would be An Unfortunately Timed Freudian Slip: The Red McRederson Story.
Kate: Lifetime movies are the best.
Me: What will your code be so I know if I should take out your kidnapper? “I’m just looking for my Red Sox hat”?
Kate: “Can’t talk! Eating a big juicy steak!”
Me: I’m glad we have a plan.
Kate: It’s good to think ahead.

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11 Responses to “If You Don’t Have a Plan, You’re Planning to Fail. Or Something.”


  1. 1 metalia January 11, 2007 at 12:05 am

    Ummmm….so I’ve totally seen that Lifetime movie. It was awesome, in only the way a horribly bad Lifetime movie can be.

  2. 2 Killer January 11, 2007 at 3:20 am

    A: I love your conversations.

    B: Since I live alone, I have been trying to train the vacuum cleaner to respond to special codes, in case of emergencies.
    It has not been going well. It just keeps lunging out at people at the wrong time.

  3. 3 sognatrice January 11, 2007 at 4:56 am

    De-lurking to share that when I was in college in the 919 area code, my mom (far from the 919 area code) accidentally called emergency services a lot. The police came *every* time and started threatening to fine her, so one Spring Break, we designated “program Mom’s phone break.” At your work, though, they’re just asking for disaster with the whole dialing out with 9 thing. They should know better.

  4. 4 Darren McLikeshimself January 11, 2007 at 8:20 am

    I’m guessing that that Lifetime movie had to be based on a true story because you can’t write drama like that.

  5. 5 -R- January 11, 2007 at 10:56 am

    That is AWESOME.

    When I worked for a judge, he accidentally hit the panic button in his office. Instead of sending security to check on him, security called the judge next door and asked him to go over and check on my judge. So basically, they were like, “Hey, judge! Can you go check out the hostage situation next door? Thanks!”

  6. 6 cupcake January 11, 2007 at 11:32 am

    Red, I just can’t tell you enough how much I love to read your blog. It’s hysterical.

    I think my mom saw that same Lifetime movie because when we were kids, we had a “code word” in case strangers ever tried to lure us into their cars by telling us our parents sent them to pick us up. We were supposed to ask, “What’s the password?” I totally forgot about that until I read your post. Haha.

  7. 7 Esther January 11, 2007 at 11:37 am

    Delurking here. I always thought I should have some sort of code in case of an emergency. At my parent’s house there was a way to type the alarm code in with extra numbers so the police would come without any sirens.

  8. 8 nabbalicious January 11, 2007 at 4:50 pm

    When I was little, our code word was “peanut butter,” (dreamed up by me, of course, because my mind is always on food). It was to be used in the event that a stranger came to our school claiming he or she had been sent by our parents to pick us up.

    But I’m kind of liking the idea of yelling out, “I’m just getting a glass of milk!” in case of emergency. Ah, Lifetime gives the greatest ideas.

  9. 9 kate January 11, 2007 at 10:32 pm

    Sognatrice: It didn’t make the blog, but i was also telling red that my sister called 911 because our area code was 991. She was 18 at the time and 911 called back and asked if we had a child in the house playing on the phone.

    Also, my mom made up the phrase “today is asparagus day” as our codeword. Is it a miracle I don’t drink myself to death?

  10. 10 Red January 13, 2007 at 1:23 pm

    Metalia, I know, right? I’d love to catch it again sometime.

    Killer, thanks! Also, maybe if you got the vacuum cleaner and the microwave into a double-team kind of situation?

    Sognatrice, thanks for delurking and commenting! That’s priceless… I think my friend Kate had the same issue with that area code.

    Darren, I believe everything I see on Lifetime. EVERY. THING.

    -R-, I love it! That’s a great security team.

    Cupcake, thank you! What was the code word, in case I ever want to pick you up?

    Esther, thanks to you for delurking as well. You know, I have a code I can type in instead of my own code that will shut up off my alarm but let the police know I’m in trouble, but I’ll be damned if I can remember it.

    Nabbs, that’s great. I agree that yelling about the milk, whatever the situation, should be our new strategy.

    Kate, why can’t every day be asparagus day?

  11. 11 cupcake January 15, 2007 at 9:21 am

    Hahah. It was “Cosby” because we loved to watch the show together.


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