What a Doll

Since I scare way too easily, I don’t watch scary movies or read scary books or watch scary TV shows. Works for me. You do what you have to do in order to live on the planet.

Some of my students scare easily too, but considering they’re all between three and eleven years old, I try not to hold it against them. The only time it sucks is when I have to be the grown up. (Now there’s my REAL essence sentence.)

It’s not that I mind comforting a scared kid. I’m not made of stone, people. I mean, as long as they’re not interrupting my lunch or my coffee break or my other coffee break. So long as I’m on the clock, I’m there for them. Children are beautiful.

The problem is that everyone who has ever watched a scary movie knows that the shit starts to go down as soon as some stupid character stupidly tells another stupid character something along the lines of: “There’s nothing to be afraid of!” “There’s no such thing as [scary thing]!” “It’s all make believe!” Call me crazy (no, really, you probably should) but I don’t like tempting fate. So you can imagine how much I love conversations like this one:

Kid: Is it true that you can’t talk if you don’t have a tongue?
Me: Um, yes.
Kid: So if someone rips out your tongue, you can’t talk anymore?
Me: What are… oh, are you talking about that movie?
Kid: Yeah.
Me: Oh, sweetie, that’s all make believe. [I hope.]
Kid: No, there’s this really scary woman and she dies but she comes back…
Me: It’s just a silly movie. None of it is real. [But I REALLY don’t want to talk about it anymore.] Think about Cars: can cars talk in real life? That was pretend, too.
Kid: But the dolls come to life and kill all these people…
Me: It’s all made up, I promise. Dolls aren’t real. They’re just dolls.

Gah. I’ll be the first to turn up without a tongue. Or a head. Tell my family that I love them.

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9 Responses to “What a Doll”


  1. 1 Darren McLikeshimself March 20, 2007 at 7:49 am

    Hey, here’s a question: Why had a kid seen that movie?

    Stupid parents…

  2. 2 stefanie March 20, 2007 at 9:18 am

    I was thinking the same thing Darren was thinking.

    Also, thank you for giving me one more reason to be glad I don’t work with children!

  3. 3 Red March 20, 2007 at 10:00 am

    He had only seen the ad on TV, but yeah, he shouldn’t have been watching that channel anyway. Considering where I work, that’s just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to stellar parenting.

  4. 4 don't call me MA'AM March 20, 2007 at 12:30 pm

    I thought that was one of the most idiotic premises for a scary movie.

    Take it from me, eventually, lying to kids about “oh, honey, ghosts aren’t real” or “No, Stephen King just made all that spooky stuff up!” gets easier. In fact, sometimes, it’s kind of fun. But you always know you’re lying. 😉

  5. 5 Lola March 20, 2007 at 3:11 pm

    Just keep asking “why” like a kid does. Maybe your inquisitive kid will get tired and give up.

  6. 6 Melliferous Pants March 20, 2007 at 8:09 pm

    At least he hadn’t actually seen the movie…I went to see “300” this weekend and some asshole brought his two-year-old.

  7. 7 Married Jen March 21, 2007 at 2:06 pm

    As always, Red is awesome.

    “I mean, as long as they’re not interrupting my lunch or my coffee break or my other coffee break.”

    HA!!!!!

  8. 8 Red March 21, 2007 at 8:04 pm

    Stef, oh, I’ve got lots of stories for you if you ever need them. 🙂

    DCMM, don’t you ever want to say something like, “I don’t know what the hell’s in your closet! AND I DON’T WANT TO LOOK!”

    Lo, what’s funny is because of their language disorders they’re actually not the kids who ask why all the time. I realize this is totally work geek only-funny-to-me humor, but I still got a kick out of your comment.

    Pants, no! What’s wrong with people?

    MJ, thanks! Also, I keep meaning to ask if you guys are two people or schizophrenic? Because you both seem great but the latter would be awe-some.

  9. 9 Married Jen March 22, 2007 at 10:58 am

    Hey Red. Definitely 2 people, but both could possibly be schizo… depending on the day and how many drinks we’ve had.


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