Burn, Baby, Burn

In the pre-school today they were having a Mother’s Day tea. Pink tablecloths, lilies in vases, little kids adoring their mommies, and me getting my goods seared off. Should I back up?

The plan was for the moms to order a few things off the “menu” and for the kids to bring them what they wanted. Not to sound like Dante from Clerks, but I wasn’t even supposed to be there! I just stopped in to say hi! One of the adorably outfitted little girls brought her mom a cup of tea. The kids were only supposed to carry the iced tea, but we weren’t paying close enough attention she used Jedi mind tricks on us and picked up a cup of hot tea instead. Then she squeezed her way between me and a table, which I was crouching next to getting another little kid situated with a plate of fruit. Then she lost her grip on the cup and, well, let’s just say, lemon zinger indeed.

People, I went DOWN. I couldn’t help it. And it became my first true test as a teacher: That moment where you ABSOLUTELY MUST MOTHERFUCKING SWEAR and yet you can’t because you’re surrounded by the children that you work with and their parents at a flower-drenched portal to hell darling little teddy bear picnic come to life. Turns out that getting boiling water dumped on your business (granted, not a lot, but it doesn’t take much) doesn’t warrant merely a “shit.” It warrants a, “Damn you, DAMN ALL OF YOU!” and angry pointing at no one in particular. Since I was at work, I settled for biting my lip and trying not to whip my pants off right then and there.

The school nurse doesn’t get much staff in her office, but I guess it was her lucky day. I’ve known her for a few years and she’s a total sweetheart, which I now believe even more because she insisted on holding an ice pack to my little lady for more time than I care to recall. I’m not sure that I’ll ever be able to look at her in quite the same way again; our relationship has definitely moved to the next level. Call me?

The prognosis for my babymaker is good, thanks for asking. With a little time and Aquaphor, we should be back in business in no time. But the first one who calls me Firecrotch is in for it.

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12 Responses to “Burn, Baby, Burn”


  1. 1 Matt May 11, 2007 at 11:31 am

    Red, that’s awful! I can’t believe the nurse did not buy you dinner first! I mean the crispy crotch is pretty bad, but obviously nurses only have one thing on their minds!

  2. 2 Red May 11, 2007 at 11:40 am

    Crispy Crotch will probably not be a new treat from Frito Lay.

  3. 3 Matt May 11, 2007 at 11:42 am

    Hmmm…my cousin DOES work for them…maybe I should run it by him?

  4. 4 Stephanie May 11, 2007 at 3:54 pm

    Crispy crotch, huh? Intriguing. Would they use Lindsay Lohan to market it?

  5. 5 Shesabigstar May 11, 2007 at 5:15 pm

    Is it wrong that I’m laughing hysterically? I’m so sorry…but it’s kind of (well, actually REALLY) funny!

    On a more serious note…at least the little girl didn’t get burned, right?

    I’m actually a bit of a burn expert, as my daughter suffered a 3rd degree burn to her hand, and was treated in your neck of the woods…at the Shriner’s Burn Hospital in Boston (they’re fantastic, by the way!). So I know a thing or two about treating burns…but yeah, on the babymaker…I really can’t help ya on that one. Guess you’ll have to leave that up to the school nurse!

    Really, sorry I laughed…but it was a pretty funny post! Does that make me a rotten human being?

  6. 6 Red May 11, 2007 at 5:30 pm

    Oh, totally, laugh it up. I did, or will, once the blistering subsides.

  7. 7 guinness girl May 12, 2007 at 7:53 pm

    Oh, honey, that is AWFUL – but hilarious. Damn, you’re funny.

  8. 8 Anonymous May 13, 2007 at 10:30 am

    I didn’t think to call you Firecrotch, but now that you mentioned it, that’s all I want to say.

    -Tim

  9. 9 Greg May 13, 2007 at 8:52 pm

    Frito Lay’s stock just plummeted.

  10. 10 Darren McLikeshimself May 14, 2007 at 2:27 pm

    “Since I was at work, I settled for biting my lip and trying not to whip my pants off right then and there.”

    If I had a nickle for every time I thought this exact same thing…

  11. 11 Allie May 14, 2007 at 3:57 pm

    Oh man…it’s a good damn thing I don’t work with small children. There is no way I could have kept the potty mouth in check if that happened to me. You’re a champ!

  12. 12 Killer May 19, 2007 at 3:50 am

    You should sue somebody, it is a proven fact that suing each other is the only thing that separates us from the animals.

    That and blogging about a burned Hoo Haa.


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