Burn, Baby, Burn

In the pre-school today they were having a Mother’s Day tea. Pink tablecloths, lilies in vases, little kids adoring their mommies, and me getting my goods seared off. Should I back up?

The plan was for the moms to order a few things off the “menu” and for the kids to bring them what they wanted. Not to sound like Dante from Clerks, but I wasn’t even supposed to be there! I just stopped in to say hi! One of the adorably outfitted little girls brought her mom a cup of tea. The kids were only supposed to carry the iced tea, but we weren’t paying close enough attention she used Jedi mind tricks on us and picked up a cup of hot tea instead. Then she squeezed her way between me and a table, which I was crouching next to getting another little kid situated with a plate of fruit. Then she lost her grip on the cup and, well, let’s just say, lemon zinger indeed.

People, I went DOWN. I couldn’t help it. And it became my first true test as a teacher: That moment where you ABSOLUTELY MUST MOTHERFUCKING SWEAR and yet you can’t because you’re surrounded by the children that you work with and their parents at a flower-drenched portal to hell darling little teddy bear picnic come to life. Turns out that getting boiling water dumped on your business (granted, not a lot, but it doesn’t take much) doesn’t warrant merely a “shit.” It warrants a, “Damn you, DAMN ALL OF YOU!” and angry pointing at no one in particular. Since I was at work, I settled for biting my lip and trying not to whip my pants off right then and there.

The school nurse doesn’t get much staff in her office, but I guess it was her lucky day. I’ve known her for a few years and she’s a total sweetheart, which I now believe even more because she insisted on holding an ice pack to my little lady for more time than I care to recall. I’m not sure that I’ll ever be able to look at her in quite the same way again; our relationship has definitely moved to the next level. Call me?

The prognosis for my babymaker is good, thanks for asking. With a little time and Aquaphor, we should be back in business in no time. But the first one who calls me Firecrotch is in for it.


12 Responses to “Burn, Baby, Burn”

  1. 1 Matt May 11, 2007 at 11:31 am

    Red, that’s awful! I can’t believe the nurse did not buy you dinner first! I mean the crispy crotch is pretty bad, but obviously nurses only have one thing on their minds!

  2. 2 Red May 11, 2007 at 11:40 am

    Crispy Crotch will probably not be a new treat from Frito Lay.

  3. 3 Matt May 11, 2007 at 11:42 am

    Hmmm…my cousin DOES work for them…maybe I should run it by him?

  4. 4 Stephanie May 11, 2007 at 3:54 pm

    Crispy crotch, huh? Intriguing. Would they use Lindsay Lohan to market it?

  5. 5 Shesabigstar May 11, 2007 at 5:15 pm

    Is it wrong that I’m laughing hysterically? I’m so sorry…but it’s kind of (well, actually REALLY) funny!

    On a more serious note…at least the little girl didn’t get burned, right?

    I’m actually a bit of a burn expert, as my daughter suffered a 3rd degree burn to her hand, and was treated in your neck of the woods…at the Shriner’s Burn Hospital in Boston (they’re fantastic, by the way!). So I know a thing or two about treating burns…but yeah, on the babymaker…I really can’t help ya on that one. Guess you’ll have to leave that up to the school nurse!

    Really, sorry I laughed…but it was a pretty funny post! Does that make me a rotten human being?

  6. 6 Red May 11, 2007 at 5:30 pm

    Oh, totally, laugh it up. I did, or will, once the blistering subsides.

  7. 7 guinness girl May 12, 2007 at 7:53 pm

    Oh, honey, that is AWFUL – but hilarious. Damn, you’re funny.

  8. 8 Anonymous May 13, 2007 at 10:30 am

    I didn’t think to call you Firecrotch, but now that you mentioned it, that’s all I want to say.


  9. 9 Greg May 13, 2007 at 8:52 pm

    Frito Lay’s stock just plummeted.

  10. 10 Darren McLikeshimself May 14, 2007 at 2:27 pm

    “Since I was at work, I settled for biting my lip and trying not to whip my pants off right then and there.”

    If I had a nickle for every time I thought this exact same thing…

  11. 11 Allie May 14, 2007 at 3:57 pm

    Oh man…it’s a good damn thing I don’t work with small children. There is no way I could have kept the potty mouth in check if that happened to me. You’re a champ!

  12. 12 Killer May 19, 2007 at 3:50 am

    You should sue somebody, it is a proven fact that suing each other is the only thing that separates us from the animals.

    That and blogging about a burned Hoo Haa.

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