The Jerk Store

I found out that my mom’s friend’s wife, who is a GINORMOUS BITCH, is coming to our Fourth of July barbecue on the Cape. Now, some might argue that this is a bad thing. However, she said something mean to me years ago* and I didn’t hold her crabby ass accountable. Since then my poor family has had to hear me go on about how I should have handled the situation. No one cares about this except for me, which makes me George Costanza. Witness:

Me: You know, if she says anything like she did last time, well, I’m totally going to put her in her place.
Dorie: Okay.
Me: Don’t expect me to be nice! Because I’m going to let her have it!
Dorie: Are you staying for dinner?
Me: I’m just warning you, because there might be an uncomfortable moment. A very long, uncomfortable moment.
Dorie: Do you want to make a caesar salad?

The funny thing is that I still don’t actually have a comeback for her, nor am I the sort of person who can deliver blistering, well-timed, cut-you-to-the-bone comebacks. But if the time is right, I do have big plans to announce to her that the jerk store called, and they’re running out of YOU!

*She was harping on me for being so pale, which I’m sensitive about to begin with, plus I don’t even know her that well and she was just really nasty about it. Basically, bitch is going down. DownTOWN. You know, where the lights are much brighter. And you can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares. Just listen to the rhythm of a gentle bossa nova, you’ll be dancing with them too before the night is over…

Ahem. See above where I mentioned that I’m not the best at comebacks.


16 Responses to “The Jerk Store”

  1. 1 Matt June 21, 2007 at 6:27 pm

    I would never crash my car into your living room, dinner was indeed “yummy,” and did I just get an entire blog paragraph?! It was 5 home runs and Yoyo is the funniest. For more on Red, Matt, and the art of comebacks:
    click here.
    I’ll pale your head!

  2. 2 Anonymous June 21, 2007 at 10:39 pm

    “The raging bitch store called, they’re all out of you!”


  3. 3 Red June 21, 2007 at 10:43 pm

    Matt, I love the “click here.” You’re like an spam commenter, except not.

    What’s up Timmy?

  4. 4 sognatrice June 22, 2007 at 5:12 am

    Oh the pale button. I have one of those too, and now that I live in southern Italy, believe me, it can get unbearable. I like to tell people (especially women) that someday when they look like they’re wrapped in burnt cellophane, my face will look like a baby’s ass. Oh wait. Yeah, I’m not so good at the comebacks either 😉

    I’d stick with the jerk store. That’ll never go out of style.

  5. 5 randomstuff June 22, 2007 at 6:54 am

    I’m guessing she’s one of those people who are almost always tan?
    And I’m guessing that you wear tons of sunscreen. So tell her “Well at least I’m not going to get skin cancer when I get old”
    Or have a friend stand near by and say that about you, if you don’t want to be rude directly.

    I can only do comebacks after I think about them for a while

  6. 6 Jen June 22, 2007 at 7:25 am

    I get the pale comments too!!! Like, all the freaking time! It doesn’t help that both of my sisters have summer jobs as lifeguards and are bronze goddesses. I usually say to people who comment on my alabaster state that there’s a history of skin cancer in my family, thank you very much. That usually shuts them up good!

  7. 7 Darren McLikeshimself June 22, 2007 at 7:40 am

    My friend Dan and I were having a conversation about comebacks years ago. He said he had thought about it long and hard over the years, and he decided that a well timed “Go to hell” really is the ultimate thing you can say.

    I told him that was good, but then I countered with, “I’m deader inside for having known you.”

    He said I had topped him.

    So go with that.

  8. 8 cupcake June 22, 2007 at 8:12 am

    I’d like to know why she cares so much about your paleness? Seriously, I would have told her to stop putting her issues on you, as it sounds like she’s a little insecure about being “darker”. It’s like my over weight family member telling my skinny family member she needs to eat more. No. you need to eat less.

    As for comebacks, I’m usually really good in the heat of the moment, only I usually end up regretting my zingers after.

  9. 9 Paisley June 22, 2007 at 9:34 am

    That sounds like a great day. 🙂

    I hate ladies like that. I’m way beyond pale, too, and everyone seems to find the need to comment.

  10. 10 -R- June 22, 2007 at 11:18 am

    Every sentence you say to her should start with, “When I’m as old as you… .”

    I remember mean comments and plan strategies for dealing with those people years later. Perfectly healthy.

  11. 11 nabbalicious June 22, 2007 at 2:37 pm

    Awesome day! You should have gotten a lottery ticket, the way things were going.

    My default comeback when I can’t even attempt anything better is, “Oh, fuck off.”

  12. 12 NancyPearlWannabe June 22, 2007 at 3:09 pm

    We used to have a family friend who, at the start of one summer vacation, told my cousin that she should enjoy her vacation while she could because her parents were sending her to fat camp.

    Of course her parents weren’t sending her to fat camp, this lady is just bat shit crazy, but it stuck with her to this day, 12 years later.

  13. 13 Liz June 22, 2007 at 7:20 pm

    I can help you… that is, if you’re comfortable using the words “bitter cunt” in front of your parents.

    By the way, I LOVE the anonymous comment. It’s really funny. Almost as funny as your post.


  14. 14 kate June 23, 2007 at 8:09 pm

    It’s kinda like when I met my sister’s small-town mother-in-law. She goes “So you live in New York, huh? I’m sorry!” Followed by a snorting laugh noise that can only be transliterated as: Ga-hilk!

  15. 15 JJ June 24, 2007 at 12:54 am

    New to your fabulous blog… You know what I’d do? Compliment her. Along the lines of, “You look great! You have NOT aged as much as everyone keeps saying you have. You don’t look that bad, honest!”

  16. 16 Killer June 26, 2007 at 1:31 am

    Kudo’s on the great day, keep up the good work.

    If she mentions your paleness say, “Yeah, it’s hard to get a good tan in prison. I was in there for choking a bitch.”

    Then cock your head and throw your hands up, “What! What! You want a piece of the pale fury!”

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