Candy Land

This just in: Sugar makes kids temporarily bipolar! Story at 11. Seriously, though, they go from laughing to crying to A HORRIFIC INJUSTICE JUST OCCURED AT THE WATER FOUNTAIN THAT WILL SURELY REVERSE THE FATE OF MANKIND UNLESS I CAN TELL YOU ABOUT IT RIGHTTHISVERYSECOND and then back to laughing. Thankfully, I’m pretty sure that my students have all slipped into conversation heart-induced comas by now.

The discipline that I used with them today was a direct homage to Lloyd Dobler from Say Anything in the scene where he assumed the role of ever responsible keymaster and yelled at a drunk friend: “YOU MUST CHILL!” No, really, I used those exact words.

It’s probably moments like that that make 9-year-olds think their teachers are 90. I haven’t used “chill” in that context since around 1991, but given the opportunity, there it was, falling out of my mouth like it never left, and causing them to give me bewildered looks and ask if I meant to say “chillax.”

You kids today! Get off my lawn.

So, Valentine’s Day. Other than it messing with the brain chemistry of those four feet and under, it’s sort of a sweet little made-up holiday, right? I don’t have much of an opinion either way, I guess. I’ve appreciated Cute Boyfriends doing Cute Things to acknowledge it in the past, but it’s really that men have to do something because they think women will get mad if they don’t, and even if we really think that we wouldn’t, the next thing you know the girly girl police arrive in the middle of the night and put guns to our heads and tell us that YES YOU FUCKING DO CARE, HAVEN’T YOU SEEN THE NOTEBOOK? Earlier today I was encouraging the school custodian to pick up a card for his wife and he said, “Yeahhh, but then I’d have to go to the store and read them.” And so it goes.

I enjoy any and all opportunities for gifts, but honestly, if I was ever given something called a diamond heart forever eternity keepsake for all of our tomorrows necklace, I’d probably vomit all over our timeless love. Nobody really wants the puppies/pigs/pelicans with the magnetic kissing noses; I mean, stuffed animals, seriously? And while sending flowers to work is very sweet, my experience with that has been mostly uncomfortable because both times that it happened to me, they came from guys that I hadn’t decided if I really liked yet, and nothing inadvertently invites nosy coworkers into your life or says GUESS WHAT I JUST STARTED SLEEPING WITH SOMEONE NEW like a random vase full of lilies next to your Post-Its.

Um, so yeah, other than that, I’m all for Valentine’s Day! But the candy on Easter is better. I know you’re out there somewhere, Mini Eggs. I can’t wait until the time that I round the corner at CVS and see you, in all your purple bag splendor, and think, ahh, yes, my fickle temptress, my nemesis in candy coating: So we meet again.

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10 Responses to “Candy Land”


  1. 1 stefanie February 14, 2008 at 9:45 pm

    Mmmmm… Mini Eggs…. I almost forgot about those.

  2. 2 edger February 14, 2008 at 10:01 pm

    I thought I’d managed to avoid the girly girl police this year, but nope, they just waited until after work to come around. I’m with you on the gifts though…the best one I got was a running shirt because he remembered it from when we had been christmas shopping. I’ll take someone paying enough attention to notice that over a make me throw up diamond heart forever necklace any day.

  3. 3 Noelle February 15, 2008 at 9:41 am

    Why do we keep eating candy when it does all those weird things to us? I’m having a major sugar crash right now. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to forgo the Cadbury Creme Egg this year, though.

  4. 4 d February 15, 2008 at 11:09 am

    you must chill! I love you man! <– Jeremy Piven is the guy who tackles lloyd 🙂

  5. 5 -R- February 15, 2008 at 11:45 am

    I didn’t give up candy or dessert for Lent this year, and yet I failed to gorge myself on Valentine’s Day candy! I will hold out for Easter candy, I guess.

    I love your point about what flowers announce to your coworkers.

  6. 6 Kate February 17, 2008 at 1:23 am

    Easter candy is the best!

    Related: Who wants to join my new band, SugarBrats?

  7. 7 Shesabigstar February 17, 2008 at 10:54 pm

    You know, I never really thought about it until you pointed it out, but you’re SO right…Easter candy is WAY better than V-day candy! Way better!

  8. 8 Red February 19, 2008 at 10:38 am

    Stefanie, as a member of the church of Mini Eggs, I decidedly have not forgotten.

    Edger, right?

    Noelle, you must. It’s your patriotic duty.

    D, I KNEW you’d appreciate that reference. 🙂

    -R-, it’s worth holding out for!

    Kate, aren’t they already a band, minus the Sugar and with the s at the end turned into a z?

    Shesabigstar, I won’t steer you wrong, baby.

  9. 9 Jess February 19, 2008 at 3:44 pm

    That middle of the night girly girl police thing TOTALLY happened to me on V-Day, and it was AWFUL. Urgh.

  10. 10 Red February 19, 2008 at 5:05 pm

    Jess, for reals? Aww.


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