Play Ball, Indeed

When I got to the Sox/Yankees game on Saturday, it was June. Sun! T-shirts! And to think they predicted rain! Even the storm clouds that rolled in during the seventh inning seemed to just give the park that cool summer rain glow. Then they broke and we were reminded that, hi, it’s APRIL, which is spring, not summer. And when it rains in spring in New England, it gets cold. But what’s two hours spent shivering and waiting for the storm to pass when you’ve just recently had the most meaningful experience of your entire life?

That’s right, people. I had eye contact eye sex with Jason Varitek.

I went to the game with my Fake Cousin Mark, which does not mean that he’s a figment of my imagination, but that we’re not technically related; our moms are best friends and grew up together. When Mark has tickets to a game and his dad can’t make it, he usually brings my mooching self along. His fiancee isn’t a Sox fan, which is good for me. (Incidentally, she also, how to put this, Sucks Giant Monkey Ass. Reason #345 is that she doesn’t like the Sox because one time her ex-boyfriend was at a game and didn’t take any of her repeated calls, so now she doesn’t like baseball at all because of the painful association. If there’s a more appropriate reaction to a story like that than a blank stare, I don’t know what it is.)

Mark always buys tickets for the first row of the outfield, the wheelchair row, because his dad is disabled. The seats are actually folding chairs right behind the bullpens. Where else but the wicked cramped Fenway would folding chairs feel like the luxury box? I’ve sat there before with him, but always behind the visiting team’s bullpen, and the security guys are almost psychotically strict about people not hovering near the Sox bullpen during the game; you’d think the boys needed to be able to concentrate or whatever.

Anyway, at Saturday’s game we were on the line between both the home and visitor bullpen. I originally sat down on the Yankees bullpen side and then he suggested that I switch with him so I could see into the Sox bullpen. Okay, sure. We switched seats and then…

Jason. Jason. JASON WAS RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. I hadn’t noticed him before because he was all the way against the wall, catching, of course. It was probably a full five minutes before I realized that I’d been clutching Mark’s arm in a death grip.

“Jason is there,” I whispered.


“JASON. IS. RIGHT. THERE. Jason is right there. JASON IS RIGHT THERE!”

“Oh. Yeah. Oh hey, you know what I was thinking…actually, why am I even trying to talk to you right now?”

“I don’t know. Please stop.”

I tried to be casual and not stare, which of course means that I was probably wide-eyed and terrifying.

And then he looked at me. I died. I actually passed away for a few minutes. I’m really glad that I was there with someone I know so well because there’s no way I could’ve contained myself.

Then he looked at me again. And then ONE. MORE. TIME. He was clearly idly scanning his immediate range of vision in love with me.

“Did you see that?” Again with the death grip.

“See what?” I’ve always hated Mark.

And then the lights went down (it was an afternoon game, but go with it) except for a single spotlight in center field. Jason took my hand and we floated into it. “I’ll Be Loving You (Forever)” by NKOTB (hometown homage!) played over the speakers. Everyone clapped. There were rose petals.

Uh. Why did I just revert to my seventh grade romantic fantasy and not something much, much dirtier? The heart wants what it wants, kids.

Anyway, this was the shot that I took of him with my phone right before he ran onto the field. He stayed like that for awhile, so I’m guessing he was either thinking, praying, or pooping. In any case, he spent the rest of the game striking out and dropping balls. Distracted by his newfound love being visually stalked? Methinks so.



11 Responses to “Play Ball, Indeed”

  1. 1 d April 16, 2008 at 8:16 am

    Yanks rule! Methinks 🙂

  2. 2 Shesabigstar April 16, 2008 at 9:03 am

    OMG, I am so excited for you…yay!! You and Jason had a moment!! Have you ever met Jason?…if you have, I think I must have missed that. I’d love to be a fly on the wall and witness that!!

    Can I add in my own aweseome celeb moment…last month Kenny Chesney HUGGED ME! No joke…he HUGGED me! I was dying. Sorry, I’ve had no motivation for my own blog lately but your post made me just want to get that out there!

    NOW BACK TO JASON VARITEK…WOO HOO!! I was just thinking…I fully intend on dating Josh Beckett this Summer…maybe we can go on a double date?!

  3. 3 -R- April 16, 2008 at 10:09 am

    I am sure I do not need to tell you this, but OH MY GOD YOU WERE SO CLOSE TO HIM!

    He is totally in love with you now.

  4. 4 Red April 16, 2008 at 6:50 pm

    D, well, they actually don’t. The Sox do. But chin up, you guys were a great team like ten years ago.

    Shesabigstar, ha, well everyone’s got their celeb crush, right? And hells yes to the double date, although I might want to climb on Beckett a little too. Is that okay?

    -R-, I KNOW!!! You get it! I wish I’d been there with you!!!

  5. 5 Miss Fire April 16, 2008 at 7:09 pm

    I am so, so happy for you! Sa-wing, batter! April is such a special month for baseball whores. Eye sex can lead to stuff, Red, it can!

    April 13, 1991. Eye sex with a former Texas Ranger. Led to a lovely summer, yes it did. I asked the Bat Boy to pass Ms. Ranger a note with my number. Mr. Ranger called me. I get chills every time I hear Salt-N-Pepa’s “Whatta Man” (his up-to-bat song, picked by yours truly).

    And who gives a rat’s ass if they’re married? Just ask former Yankee Paul O’Neill what he did one summer at the Arlington, Texas Hilton hotel hot tub with an eighteen year old. *clears throat*.

    God bless American baseball.

  6. 6 Kate April 16, 2008 at 8:02 pm

    I’m pretty jazzed for you! Keep us posted when we all find out together that JV has a Google alert set for himself.

  7. 7 Red April 16, 2008 at 8:26 pm

    Miss Fire, WHAT? Did that really happen? I am so about to post my phone number on the internet so you can call me and tell me about this. And ahem, I don’t think THEY give a rat’s ass that they’re married, sooooo…

    Kate, I almost called this entry I Will Destroy Your Soul, Karen Varitek but then I imagined her googling herself, and, well…

  8. 8 Jason April 18, 2008 at 7:57 am

    Dear Red,

    I WAS having eye sex with you. Love,


  9. 10 Lara April 22, 2008 at 10:57 am

    “he was either thinking, praying, or pooping” – ha!

  10. 11 your friend sarah November 27, 2009 at 11:17 pm

    heyyyyyyyyy I just googled “karen varitek remarried” and your blog came up. fucking fantastic.

    can you pour me some more wine, please?!

    p.s. you’d stick your thang in anythang. maaaaaaa !!

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