If You Think I’m Going To Use Some Cutesy Pun Like “False Alarm” As The Title For This Entry, You’re Sorely Mistaken, My Friend. Except That In This Case It Really Isn’t A Pun, It’s More Like A Completely Accurate Description Of What Happened. Hmmm.

I have an alarm system for my condo, but I don’t like to use it. (What’s up robbers, see you at 3 AM!) The problem is that anytime it goes off, it’s so freakin’ LOUD. I admit, it’s not really a compelling reason, but you try being woken up in the dead of night by the sound of screaming banshees fleeing hell, only to find it was faulty wiring or “a glitch in the system, who knows.” And not to tempt fate, but I live in one of the top ten safest cities in the country. Our people are too busy haggling with a CVS employee over the price of the newspaper (oh yes, I’ve seen it) to be bothered busting into your home and tearing shit up.

So when my alarm went off early on Saturday morning (6 AM is early when you were up late the night before!) I was understandably confused. It’s just messing with me now, right? How does an alarm that isn’t on go off? All of a sudden it feels very Socratic. In any case, I have to shut that bad boy off.

I should also mention that the electricity had gone out, which almost never happens, and when I checked, my home phone line was dead. Can you imagine if this had happened in the middle of the night? I’d just have to accept the fact that I was now the unwitting opening act for a horror movie. My only next step would’ve been to creep outside (in a flowing nightgown and lantern) to make sure everything was okay.

Anyway, the “reset” button shuts the bitch up. I call my alarm company to politely inquire as to what the deal is, i.e. WAHH IT’S EARLY. The guy isn’t sure (are they ever?) but tells me he thinks the alarm was just letting me know that my phone line went out. So, wait, my phone line and my non-activated alarm are in cahoots? On some level this makes sense, but on another level, it’s 6 AM on a Saturday and I can’t think properly. Damn you Sonsie and your fabulous wine list, I need my brain cells right now.

I go back to sleep, and half an hour later it goes off again. Me and my R.E.M. cycle were not happy. I reacted to this with decorum* and poise and not at all like I had just been told that a giant gorilla was going to eat me whole. This time I got One Of Those Customer Service People. God, is there anything worse? She wisely suggested that I turn it off. I tried to tell her that I apparently couldn’t turn the alarm off, because it was making noise despite already being off. She suggested again that I turn it off. Then she told me that she’d transfer me over to tech support and I could leave a message for them. “No, wait, I don’t want to leave them a message and hear back on Monday afternoon. My alarm is going off right now and waking everybody up and I don’t know how to fix it.”

“Everybody” included me and my friend sleeping in the guest room, who by all accounts seemed to still be fast asleep. But still. It’s the principle!

Luckily the guy who runs the alarm place called me back and helped me out. I went back to sleep, but not before checking the news on my blackberry. Uma Thurman is engaged, something about a Vern Troyer sex tape (wha?)…but nothing about Local Woman Woken Up Early, Totally Pissed. I suspect they’re waiting to get all the facts before running the full investigative report.

In any case, this only further solidifies my theory that technology is ruining our lives. And by our I mean mine.

*I haven’t thought of or used the word “decorum” since Kristy had to write an essay on its importance in one of the Babysitters Club books.


6 Responses to “If You Think I’m Going To Use Some Cutesy Pun Like “False Alarm” As The Title For This Entry, You’re Sorely Mistaken, My Friend. Except That In This Case It Really Isn’t A Pun, It’s More Like A Completely Accurate Description Of What Happened. Hmmm.”

  1. 1 Shesabigstar July 1, 2008 at 9:27 am

    You MUST have a photographic memory…for reals. I mean really…I LOVED The Babysitters Club and I remember Kristy…but OMG, how do you remember that she used the word “decorum?” Everytime you make a reference to 80’s greats…music, TV, books…I’m always amazed that you can remember it all. But this my friend, this takes the cake.

  2. 2 -R- July 1, 2008 at 9:33 am

    I love the suggestion that you should turn off your alarm. THANKS. I’m sure you never would have thought of it on your own.

    I am more concerned about the fact that the alarm can go crazy when it is off. It is like the alarm is never really off and is actually watching you at all times.

  3. 3 Noelle July 1, 2008 at 11:41 am

    It would be even worse if he had said, “your alarm is malfunctioning, and what in the world are you wearing?”

  4. 4 stefanie July 1, 2008 at 9:51 pm

    6:00 is early even if you WEREN’T up late the night before.

    Also, I trust you remember that “Friends” episode where Phoebe’s smoke alarm kept going off, even once she took the battery out? See? It doesn’t JUST happen in horror movies. I’m sure yours would have been a Phoebe story rather than a Drew Barrymore-at-the-beginning-of-“Scream” one.

  5. 5 kate July 2, 2008 at 9:35 am

    I think it’s like you said too, at 6 a.m. it’s annoying (for your sleeping guest!) but at 3 a.m. hearing the alarm going off … because the phone isn’t working! is about as scary as it gets.

  6. 6 courtney July 4, 2008 at 9:29 am

    I believe the story of Kristy writing the essay on decorum was in the VERY FIRST Baby-Sitters Club book. Is it sad that I know that? I think it might be.

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