I Just Really Thought We Had A Connection! I Don’t Understand How He Could Pick Kaylee And Shanzi Instead Of Me!

I harbor a deep, shameful love for The Bachelor. The absurder than absurd premise, the fighting, the crying women… it is so, so good, and you will never convince me otherwise. Many before you have tried and failed, young grasshopper.

The Bachelorette is somehow less entertaining. Women make it all so girly, with their swoony visions of the future and sunset picnic dates. I like how the Bachlelors just try to hump as many of the wide-eyed cocktail dresses put in front of them as they can. Fuck, it’s what I’d do, were I a single square-jawed 32-year-old financial consultant. Am I right? Can I get a what-what?

I just wish that they’d really depict 26-year-olds dating (jello shots and infidelity!) instead of having them read those dumb scripts. I’ve provided a loose translation of some of the Oprah shit they force the guys to read as they try to weed out the skanks and virgins.

You have enriched my soul with your wit and wisdom, and I wish we had more time together = You are ugly and you need to go home now.

I think you’re an extraordinary woman, but I fear I cannot give you what you need = You are ugly and you need to go home now.

Although your beauty makes my heart rhapsodize with joy, I must say goodbye = You are ugly and you need to go home now.

It would be my honor to get to know you better, but our journey together ends tonight = You are ugly and you need to go home now.

Will you accept this rose? = I would enjoy the opportunity to put it in you again.

I didn’t really watch The Bachelorette this season (no frontin’, you know I’d admit it) but I was drawn into last night’s finale by its tractor beam of crappiness. Thankfully, I wasn’t the only one.

Kate: Gotta love that we’re watching a show that advertises old people’s meds.

Me: Gotta love that DeeAnna (seriously? this is her name?) is panicking about her biological clock at 26.

Kate: She’s a prettier version of my high school nemesis.

Me: I bet she picks the weird one.

Kate: I think they’re both gay.

Me: Jason is totally unappealing. “Hello, I shall do your taxes.” Don’t worry, buddy. You’ll meet a nice lady when things pick up at H&R Block in the spring.

Kate: Paisley tie!

Me: Least of his concerns.

Kate: I so want him to be like, “Whatevs. This show got me laid.”

Me: He would be my, nay, America’s hero.

Kate: Woo! Suck it, loser.

Me: I wish that was the name of the show.

Kate: Right?

Me: Who marries a 26-year-old snowboarder? I’m sorry, I didn’t want to have to take it there, but here we is.

Kate: Named Jesse, no less. Where are the Rippers?

Me: What does a professional snowboarder even do? Give lessons to people on vacation who are saying things like, “I don’t know what I’m doing! Hahaha I’m drunk I like snow.”

Kate: That’s what I picture.

Me: I’m sorry, but after a few weeks in the Carribean I’d be ready to marry anyone. Including your dad. Not that he’s not hot.

Kate: Noooo!

Me: We fell in love, Kate. You can’t fight the human heart. Just call me mom when you feel comfortable.


7 Responses to “I Just Really Thought We Had A Connection! I Don’t Understand How He Could Pick Kaylee And Shanzi Instead Of Me!”

  1. 1 -R- July 8, 2008 at 4:04 pm

    I don’t understand how people can go on The Bachelor/Bachelorette, show themselves to be complete tools, and then go back to work. Wouldn’t you fire someone who thought a reality tv show would be the place to find a spouse? I would. Although I guess there is less risk of that when you are a “professional snowboarder.”

  2. 2 Stefanie July 8, 2008 at 4:30 pm

    You make me wish more of my real-life friends watched TV.

  3. 3 steve July 8, 2008 at 6:31 pm

    Reading about you watching shitty reality TV is SO much cooler and more amusing than watching shitty reality TV.

    Thank you for the valuable public service you provide. Whatever you’re getting paid, it’s not enough.

  4. 4 nancypearlwannabe July 9, 2008 at 8:02 am

    Yeah, I think I’d be okay with watching ridiculous reality TV if I had your running commentary in the background.

  5. 5 kate July 9, 2008 at 9:32 am

    Ha. I’m still vomiting about you talking about my papa.

  6. 6 abbersnail July 9, 2008 at 4:42 pm

    You? Are awesome. I was rolling on the ground.

  7. 7 Red July 11, 2008 at 12:31 pm

    -R-, I know, right? I’d love to see a special “The Bachelor: REALLY After The Final Rose” showing these idiots going back to work at the DMV or insurance company trying not to wilt into the floor.

    Stefanie, that’s why you have me, baby.

    Steve, thanks! And I concur.

    Nancypearlwannabe, trust me, any of my friends would tell you that shit gets old fast.

    Kate, do you mean my husband?

    Abbersnail, haha, thanks.

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