What The Crap Did You Do Wrong In A Past Life, Jennifer Aniston?

I know I’m a little slow on the uptake (insert “what else is new?” joke here), but crack open some organic vegan non-dairy soy bubbly because the Jolie-Pitt twins are here! They’re average looking and oddly named, just like every other celebrity baby. I can’t wait until they get older and start throwing shit at the paparazzi, but I’m just going to have to wait on that.

I don’t know Jennifer Aniston. I also don’t know why I started this paragraph with that line. Obviously I don’t know Jennifer Aniston. My point is that I don’t know what she thinks about this, if anything. I thought the fact that she was sad and fragile in her right-after-the-break-up Vanity Fair interview was kind of sweet and endearing, which is probably only because she’s not one of those basket case celebrities, but still. I’m sure any comments she gives about the situation now are something along the lines of wishing them every happiness blah blah bullshit. And at the end of the day she’s probably better off and she seems like a lovely person and I’m sure she’ll be just fine. But seriously, I hope she’s able to have a sense of humor about it at this point because HOW RIDICULOUS IS THIS SITUATION?

You’d hate anyone that your husband left you for, even if she was a lumpy dental hygenist with a lateral lisp (maybe especially if). But come on, one of the hottest women (speaking in entertainment “journalist”ese here) on the planet? That’s raising the stakes to a whole new level on a whole new playing field in a whole new ballpark. Is there any relationship that Angelina Jolie couldn’t break up? She should have a reality show where she just goes around destroying couples and luring the men into her den of hotness. Ooh, maybe she could do it at weddings! Or right before the birth of the couple’s first kid, and then she can take the kid because she technically has legal custody of all children born anywhere at any time. Are you listening, ABC?

So, okay, then they get married, or they don’t, I can’t remember. It doesn’t matter because now they have a thousand babies. There’s a new one every five minutes, either plucked from a third world country (I’d like to think their birth parents are waving their arms frantically at the departing helicopter) or birthed at Le Hospital de Villeaux A La Mode. I won’t get into the whole “how many children is too many” debate here because that’s kind of judgmental, but you guys, you’re having way too many children. Seriously, I’m not even sure I buy the whole happy family thing anymore. Maybe when you had one, two, or even three, but now there are eleventeen of them and your entire household must be about no sleep and constant poop.

I’m not sure what I think about their decision to sell the baby pictures to the highest bidding magazine, which is unfortunate since I know they’re likely waiting with bated breath for my opinion on it. It’s nice that they donate the money to a good cause, but there’s something grossly capitalist and just creepy about the whole thing. Or maybe I just kind of hate anyone who picks up an easy bazillion million and doesn’t even need it.

In all seriousness, you know Aniston’s probably way more over it than I am. Life isn’t so bad for Rachel. She never has to work another day in her life and she’s dating John Mayer, who is ten years younger than her (once you’re over thirty aren’t you supposed to react to news like this with a YEAH GIRL GO ON WITH YOUR BAD SELF? Or is that just if you’re starring in Waiting To Exhale?). I won’t buy his albums because he sounds like Christian Bale as Batman doing karaoke, but I read his blog and he seems funny and smart. Then there’s the piles of money that both of them have. Yeah, my sympathy is probably very misdirected here.

10 Responses to “What The Crap Did You Do Wrong In A Past Life, Jennifer Aniston?”

  1. 1 cupcake August 4, 2008 at 8:43 pm

    I have a secret to admit, I heart Angelina Jolie-Pitt. She had me at ‘Mr. and Mrs. Smith’. I desperately wish I was as bad ass as she is in that movie. Then I saw her in ‘Wanted’, which affirmed my desire to be as cool as she is. There are rumors that she might be the next Catwoman… I wonder if she is Athena reincarnated.

    Do you think they have a nanny for each of their children?

  2. 2 steve August 4, 2008 at 9:37 pm

    I think Jennifer Aniston is far hotter than Angelina.

  3. 3 Libragirl August 5, 2008 at 4:25 am

    I don’t know what JA did in a past life to piss people off – but I remember an interview she and BP did with Her Highness Oprah, queen of all that is the world, and he said that nothing lasts forever when asked about the marriage and that was about 1 year or so before MR & MRs. Smith.

  4. 4 Stefanie August 5, 2008 at 9:09 am

    I think about Jennifer Aniston far more than is probably necessary, too. Maybe it’s because Brad Pitt left her and broke her heart around the same time my last boyfriend (the one I thought was supposed to be “The ONE”) broke my heart, so I feel some misguided sisterhood with her and our mutual woe. And I know that if I saw my ex with his new wife and their perfect new little babies on the cover of a magazine, it would crush me.

    Of course, I’m not dating John Mayer or Vince Vaughn, and I still have to work to pay my mortgage and all. I hope you’re right and Jennifer is more over it than I am. Let Brad have his crazy gaggle of kids. Jen’s probably having more fun.

  5. 5 Stefanie August 5, 2008 at 9:10 am

    Um, there was not suppose to be an inappropriate winky face in the middle of that comment. Not sure what happened there, except that I think that’s where my missing end parenthesis went. Whoops.

  6. 6 Kate August 5, 2008 at 11:41 am

    A lateral lisp, eh? I think I know what someone does for a living!

  7. 7 courtney August 5, 2008 at 6:35 pm

    Yeah, I think Jen will be just fine. Her biggest problem is probably that people STILL talk about it even though it’s been years since the breakup and she just wants everyone to get the hell over it. Hey, maybe Brad is a complete asshole and she dodged a bullet by not having kids with him. Who knows?

  8. 8 liz August 12, 2008 at 5:07 pm

    You have written a very nice line, and for that, I commend you:

    “They’re average looking and oddly named, just like every other celebrity baby.”

    Thanks for the chukle- and the reality check!

  9. 9 Red August 13, 2008 at 7:39 am

    Cupcake, I know, I kinda have a girlcrush on her too. I just don’t like how snotty she seems now. And yes, I’m sure each kid has an army of nannies.

    Steve, yeah, I hear ya. She seems nicer, too.

    Libragirl, hmmm, the plot thickens.

    Stefanie, ha, amen.

    Kate, keep that info under wrapths. 😉

    Courtney, I tend to think you’re right. I also tend to think I shouldn’t be thinking (or writing) about this stuff at all. 🙂

    Liz, ha, thanks!

  10. 10 coffee fiend January 7, 2009 at 6:40 pm

    Jen is hotter than Bradgelina in more ways than one

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