What The Crap Did You Do Wrong In A Past Life, Jennifer Aniston?

I know I’m a little slow on the uptake (insert “what else is new?” joke here), but crack open some organic vegan non-dairy soy bubbly because the Jolie-Pitt twins are here! They’re average looking and oddly named, just like every other celebrity baby. I can’t wait until they get older and start throwing shit at the paparazzi, but I’m just going to have to wait on that.

I don’t know Jennifer Aniston. I also don’t know why I started this paragraph with that line. Obviously I don’t know Jennifer Aniston. My point is that I don’t know what she thinks about this, if anything. I thought the fact that she was sad and fragile in her right-after-the-break-up Vanity Fair interview was kind of sweet and endearing, which is probably only because she’s not one of those basket case celebrities, but still. I’m sure any comments she gives about the situation now are something along the lines of wishing them every happiness blah blah bullshit. And at the end of the day she’s probably better off and she seems like a lovely person and I’m sure she’ll be just fine. But seriously, I hope she’s able to have a sense of humor about it at this point because HOW RIDICULOUS IS THIS SITUATION?

You’d hate anyone that your husband left you for, even if she was a lumpy dental hygenist with a lateral lisp (maybe especially if). But come on, one of the hottest women (speaking in entertainment “journalist”ese here) on the planet? That’s raising the stakes to a whole new level on a whole new playing field in a whole new ballpark. Is there any relationship that Angelina Jolie couldn’t break up? She should have a reality show where she just goes around destroying couples and luring the men into her den of hotness. Ooh, maybe she could do it at weddings! Or right before the birth of the couple’s first kid, and then she can take the kid because she technically has legal custody of all children born anywhere at any time. Are you listening, ABC?

So, okay, then they get married, or they don’t, I can’t remember. It doesn’t matter because now they have a thousand babies. There’s a new one every five minutes, either plucked from a third world country (I’d like to think their birth parents are waving their arms frantically at the departing helicopter) or birthed at Le Hospital de Villeaux A La Mode. I won’t get into the whole “how many children is too many” debate here because that’s kind of judgmental, but you guys, you’re having way too many children. Seriously, I’m not even sure I buy the whole happy family thing anymore. Maybe when you had one, two, or even three, but now there are eleventeen of them and your entire household must be about no sleep and constant poop.

I’m not sure what I think about their decision to sell the baby pictures to the highest bidding magazine, which is unfortunate since I know they’re likely waiting with bated breath for my opinion on it. It’s nice that they donate the money to a good cause, but there’s something grossly capitalist and just creepy about the whole thing. Or maybe I just kind of hate anyone who picks up an easy bazillion million and doesn’t even need it.

In all seriousness, you know Aniston’s probably way more over it than I am. Life isn’t so bad for Rachel. She never has to work another day in her life and she’s dating John Mayer, who is ten years younger than her (once you’re over thirty aren’t you supposed to react to news like this with a YEAH GIRL GO ON WITH YOUR BAD SELF? Or is that just if you’re starring in Waiting To Exhale?). I won’t buy his albums because he sounds like Christian Bale as Batman doing karaoke, but I read his blog and he seems funny and smart. Then there’s the piles of money that both of them have. Yeah, my sympathy is probably very misdirected here.