The Evolution Of Technology Continues To Mystify Me, But At Least Now I Have Something To Blame When I’m Late

Before I had one, I thought having a GPS in your car meant that you knew where you were going not just on the road, but in LIFE. I know someone who has one that tells them when there’s traffic ahead. Either Miss Cleo is living in there or she’s driving a tricked out Lexus.

Miss Cleo, “tricked out”…I’ve just violated several of my own personal rules for living. But, onward.

Yeah, so my GPS (which is one of the regular cheapo ones, psychic friend sold separately) is, at first glance, the balls. (Seriously, is this just how I talk now? If I were less lazy I would totally delete that and replace it with a highbrow synonym, believe you me.)

I mean, anything that can tell me where I’m going is kind of a good thing in my book. Well, anything that isn’t an indecipherable foreign gentleman at a gas station or Mapquest, which always seem to instruct you to start every journey by driving 1.8 miles northeast, which invariably means that you pull out of your driveway unsure where you’re going, analyzing the position of the sun and seeking the singing bush for answers.

My GPS is named Jill, not after my friend’s daughter (who, incidentally, often strongly disagrees with her disembodied namesake; maybe this town isn’t big enough for both of them) but became the default name when I (by which I mean my dad) set it up and it asked if I wanted its voice to be male or female, so “Jack” or “Jill.” One of my friends has one with the voice of John Cleese. For reals? They should expand the market for celebrity-voiced navigation devices because we could really have some fun with this. Fergie would literally ask you about all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk. Matthew Perry would ask you if you could BE running any later. I could do this until we’re all ill.

Jill and I have a tumultuous bond. Not unlike other dysfunctional relationships, she can be hard to understand. Sometimes she’s sullen and despondent. She doesn’t like when I don’t take her advice. When she gets really angry she says “recalculating” over and over and over, which is basically a dignified version of “Bitch, why you think you know these roads better than me? This is what I DO.” The biggest mindfuck she ever pulled was sending me to the WRONG CHURCH for my cousin’s wedding recently. Being trapped witnessing the nuptuals of total strangers makes for great blog fodder, but it would probably also make your family hate you a little bit for not planning out the route beforehand.

But then there are the lovable parts of her, like how she calls Route 2 East “route tweast.” It’s not all hard times. She (I mean it) has become yet another techy device that I didn’t really think I needed and now I can’t imagine living without. So I guess this is a dubious tribute to my Carberry. I know I take you for granted, but I guess I should be grateful that you do usually get me where I need to be, with only a few illogical U-turns along the way.

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10 Responses to “The Evolution Of Technology Continues To Mystify Me, But At Least Now I Have Something To Blame When I’m Late”


  1. 1 lifeisbusting August 19, 2008 at 5:02 pm

    I think you are definitely onto something with this celebrity voice GPS thing.

    I think I’d want Jack McFarland in my car so he can say things like “Holy Barbra Streisand, you made it!” when I got to my destination.

    although, you’d have to be careful, I once hopped in the car of an ex-boyfriend who had a Cormac McCarthy audio book as read by Brad Pitt and his voice was without inflection and soothing, that I wasn’t sure how the boyfriend didn’t fall asleep at the wheel. Although, it could be Cormac’s fault and not Brad’s (never Brad’s!)

    I do not have a GPS system because I was born with a gift for directions or I’m just really bull headed. But I did name my car Apple, partly because if Gwenyth can do it, then so can I!

    And also, hi! Love the blog!

  2. 2 Libragirl August 19, 2008 at 6:55 pm

    My gps says route twest also….my friends and I thought that was hysterical.

    and my friends gps is John Cleese’s voice…it’s sorta awesome.
    and very bizarre.

  3. 3 Stefanie August 20, 2008 at 8:55 am

    I’m glad I’m not the only one who is convinced appliances and gadgets have personalities. That’s not at all crazy, obviously.

    And I love lifeisbusting’s idea for a Jack McFarland GPS. Brilliant.

  4. 4 Noelle August 20, 2008 at 9:00 am

    I really want a GPS just for the fun of it, despite my preternatural sense of direction. Also, “Jill” is my code name whenever I have to give a name at a sandwich shop or something like that, because it makes me so angry when they get my real name wrong.

  5. 5 Kate August 20, 2008 at 9:03 am

    I giggled from start to finish. I want to nominate you for some bloggy award. Can I blog blurb you?

  6. 6 -R- August 20, 2008 at 10:13 am

    H’s GPS thing is homicidal. It has repeatedly tried to convince us to take the I-35 bridge in Minneapolis that no longer exists. And it pretends like it is recalculating, but then it just tells us to make a u-turn and go back to the I-35 bridge that does not exist. Stupid GPS.

  7. 7 courtney August 20, 2008 at 12:48 pm

    That is hilarious. And I do a mean Miss Cleo impression. “Call me now for your free readin’!”

  8. 8 S August 22, 2008 at 10:15 pm

    This is a little off topic, but I just wanted to say:

    Money talks… but it don’t sing and dance and it don’t walk… And long as I can have you here with me I’d much rather be forever in blue jeans…

    (hell to the yeah!)

  9. 9 apollocreed August 26, 2008 at 1:42 pm

    I’d like my GPS to have the voice of Mr. T.

    “I pity the fool who takes a left turn here!”

    Awesome.


  1. 1 Bookmarks about Gps Trackback on October 2, 2008 at 9:00 am

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