Oh Infomercials, You Had Me At “But Wait, That’s Not All!”

Okay, I’m blogging again. Michael would’ve wanted it that way.

So last weekend I was in Connecticut for my cousin’s wedding (the only things I ever do in Connecticut are drive through it and attend weddings). I was watching TV in the hotel one night before bed, and there seemed to be an unhealthy abundance of infomercials parading before me. One in particular was for Meaningful Beauty, which is the beauty line that Cindy Crawford apparently promotes meaningfully. Watching it went something like this:

Ha. This is so dumb.

[seven minutes later] So the natural antioxidants in the rare melon extract in the moisturizer are what will protect my skin from free radicals and collapsing collagen? That makes so much SENSE. And I need the cleanser, day cream, night cream, eye cream, face mask, glowing serum, and neck cream (wait, neck cream? Oh, okay.) And a three month supply is available for just $29.95 per month if I agree to purchase…hang on a second. Is Columbia House selling skincare now?

I actually do have a few things that I’ve acquired over the course of my life from infomercials, and people, I have to be honest, this shit has just not let me down. Except for ProActiv, which made me look like Chucky after the toy factory went up in flames. Boo, Jessica Simpson. Good thing I’m not 11 or else I’m sure your candy-flavored body glitter would’ve broken my heart, too.

Anyway, in college, I bought a CD compilation called Cool Rock after seeing it advertised on late-night TV. It took 6-8 weeks to arrive (back then I’m pretty sure they used carrier pigeons) and boasted tons of 80s gems. I took lots of abuse for it, but I loaned it out once and never got it back. Clearly never got over it, either.

Back to one that I bought this century: Smooth Away! To be fair, I got it in a store, but it really is a good product. And I bet I’d totally grow tomatoes if I had the Topsy Turvy! The Strap Perfect seems like a great invention! I know they look like they’re about to start chanting, but darn if all those family members don’t look warm and cozy around the fire in their Snuggies. And I want like 97 Bumpits OMG you guys we should totally have a Bumpit party!

And then the truth sets in. I’ve never grown and seldom even buy tomatoes. I’ve never really had bra strap issues so extreme that intervention is required. If I’m chilly, I know of another warmth-creating product called a blanket. And as for Bumpits…well, fuck, it’ll be a cold day in hell before I say a cross word about the Bumpit. (I’m about to get like 900 hits from search engines from Bumpit enthusiasts. Bump it, ladies! Bump it long and bump it hard!)

All of this leads me to an alarming conclusion. I’m not saying that I don’t have my own opinions but apparently I DON’T HAVE MY OWN OPINIONS. What if cults start using infomercials? Or John Mayer? Or the Yankees?


11 Responses to “Oh Infomercials, You Had Me At “But Wait, That’s Not All!””

  1. 1 Matty July 5, 2009 at 10:45 pm

    You’re hilarious! But how could you write an infomercial entry without mentioning the late, great pitch man himself? “Billy Mays here for The Cupcake Tent!”

  2. 2 Rachel July 6, 2009 at 4:39 am

    the problem w/ bumpits it looks like you have a HUGE head.
    and it’s way to much work.

  3. 3 Mary July 6, 2009 at 7:29 am

    I have a Ped-Egg, which I really do think works well, and I have the Strap Perfect set because my bra straps tend to slide down my sloped shoulders. And they work really well. I didn’t order either of those things on TV, however! I also really wanted a Snuggie this year, so I never sprang for it. I will have to see if they are all the rage again next year!

    Glad to see you blogging again!

  4. 4 Stefanie July 6, 2009 at 9:04 am

    Wait. Smooth Away actually works? For real?

    I don’t think I have enough hair for Bump Its. Or maybe I just don’t want wedding hair unless I’m actually in a wedding.

  5. 5 3carnations July 6, 2009 at 1:41 pm

    I never bought anything from an infomercial, but I did once buy nail polish from QVC. Does that count?

    Also, my neighbor has the topsy turvy. Haven’t seen tomatoes on it, though.

  6. 6 Courtney July 6, 2009 at 3:30 pm

    I was wondering about the smooth away, there was even a coupon in the paper, but I can’t find it around here.

  7. 7 courtney July 7, 2009 at 12:25 pm

    Yaaaayyyy new Cupcake Tent!

    So Smooth Away works? Really? I may have to try that, but I fear the Bumpit may make me look like a conehead.

  8. 8 Kris 10 July 8, 2009 at 8:48 pm

    OMG, have missed you! Although I hate the dude that sells it, I LOVE my Sham Wows. Excellent for drying your freshly washed dogs!

  9. 9 Red July 21, 2009 at 1:50 pm

    Matty, thanks, I love it!

    Rachel, I’m secretly afraid that if I ever tried them, I’d think I looked awesome and then I’d need an intervention…

    Mary, thanks! You’d better let me know if you actually get a Snuggie!! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Stefanie, it does, in some ways! ๐Ÿ™‚

    3carnations, is it the tomato one? I just saw one for strawberries.

    Courtney and Courtney, keep looking for it! I like it.

    Kris 10, thanks! You really have the shamwow? Awesome. ๐Ÿ™‚

  10. 10 Bra Straps April 9, 2013 at 3:42 pm

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  11. 11 book moscow hotels April 16, 2013 at 10:06 pm

    I hardly create responses, but i did some searching and wound up here Oh
    Infomercials, You Had Me At “But Wait, That’s Not All!
    ” | the cupcake tent. And I actually do have some questions for you if you do not mind.
    Is it simply me or does it give the impression like a few of the remarks appear like they are written by
    brain dead people? ๐Ÿ˜› And, if you are writing at other places, I’d like to keep up with everything fresh you have to post. Could you make a list of all of your communal pages like your Facebook page, twitter feed, or linkedin profile?

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